| dsfagsew4artrdefg |
[22 Dec 2008|12:04am] |
I am 21 years old.
I am a resident of Austin, Texas.
I am a part of a big group of friends whom I love and care about.
I am disappointed that nothing has changed.
I am still waiting for something to happen.
I am tired of feeling immobile and stuck.
I am willing to sacrifice everything for something DIFFERENT to happen.
I am back in the same place that I use to be.
I am not happy with this decision, but numb.
I wish I was someone else.
I am ready to do things right.
I wish I was with HIM.
I am not able to leave him.
I need out.
I need to breathe.
I wish I could have done things differently.
|
|
| Who am I? |
[19 Apr 2008|09:34pm] |
Things have been numb lately.
I'm back on track though.
I'm kind of a joke.
I don't even know what I want anymore.
I'm tired of being called out.
I'm tired of being.
But, more than anything I'm tired of being so self-absorbed and narcissistic.
It's not all about me.
|
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| I really hope you choke. |
[11 Jul 2006|01:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Non-existent |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Thoughts in my head. |
] |
You make me feel like shit.
I don't understand why you lied/are lying to me. And you still do it. I hope you know that the things that you said made me hate myself even more. I hate myself for not being what you want.
What you said to me... triggered this horrible thing. Because, I'm not pretty enough.. not tall enough, not in shape enough. I'm just not enough.
You are the reason that I do this to myself. I hope I get the nerve to tell you that one day. And I hope it's the thing that keeps you up at the night the way it does to me.
Your words will be the death of me.
So.. 95 pounds and losing.
Am I fucking good enough, yet?
|
|
| sdfafatfgwerha |
[05 Mar 2006|01:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Eh |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Dandy Warhols with The Brian Jonestown Massacre. |
] |
Yeah, I've decided to make this a "Friends-Only" journal... Or rather a private journal.
Nobody is able to read my entries but me. However, this may change... Really it all depends on how bored I am. Right now, I'm pretty bored. Bored enough to go through all my entries and edit them to "Friends-Only". I can change it. And probably will.
But, yeah.
I WILL give you this... I have decided to become a professional tambourine player. That way, I'll be in a band. People will love me for that... even though, I obviously lack any musical direction or talent whatsoever. But, I'll get free drugs... and groupies. Can't forget the groupies.
Later days.
|
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| Horrible truths |
[17 Feb 2006|03:16am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Against Me! - Sink, Florida, Sink |
] |
Well, I guess I was wrong. It just hurts so bad. I let my guard down... and then I realized my mistake. But, it all makes sense to me now. I was so fucking jaded by everything. The chance that this could be it. But, shit... I knew I couldn't have lucked out like that.
So, now I'm stuck with the options of not taking anything seriously like I had been, or leaving the situation.
I want so badly to be done with you.
I hate wasting my time, and I feel like I am.
Fuck this shit, I'm eighteen. I don't know anything right now except that I'm done with being so stern. Take it in stride. None of this will fucking matter. He is just another guy. This is just another situation.
I don't care.
|
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| Running fucking rampant. |
[02 Dec 2005|10:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
numb |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Thrice, yes Thrice! Get over it, you insecure spineless fuck |
] |
Man, I'm pissed. And for no real reason. Just for the fact that I wasn't able to go out tonight. I've been stuck in this fucking house for a week. And I'm on my rag. So, of course I'm not a happy fucking camper. I'm not sure who to get pissed at... so I'll just get angry and upset at EVERYONE. NO FUCKING EXCLUSIONS. I just feel really excluded. And I hate that. So... yeah.
I hate how I sometimes lose complete control of my emotions. I mean a little over half of the time I have complete control, but then all of a sudden BAM! I'm a mess. A violent mess, at that. I don't know. I just need to get things under control right now. If (Hah, if) I hang out with those dicks tomorrow I'll just shut down to avoid any conflict or making anyone cry because I hurt their feelings. Sensitive fucks.
Alright, I'm under control now.
|
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| I am pseudo everything bullshit. |
[29 Nov 2005|05:52am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
I can't even explain it. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
White noise |
] |
It's 5:55 in the morning, and I'm still debating whether or not I should go to bed. I just can't go to bed just yet. I have too many questions and thoughts racing and being formed in my mind. I can't just go to bed because then they will pile upon each other and make absolutely no sense, like they make complete sense anyway.
My view on "Faith", in the religious sense, is not incredibly optimistic. I in fact, am an Atheist. I was baptized and brought up Catholic. I went to Church every Saturday and Sunday. I even to went Saturday school. I still remember my Church, possibly like the back of my own hand. The Immaculate Heart of Mary, was the name. And I still remember the feeling I got whenever I entered that building. I still remember that cold, stern, serious tone that it gave off. Whenever I entered through those huge front doors I was instantly uncomfortable. I never felt safe. I felt like I was watched at all times. I felt as if God at that moment was passing judgment on whether or not I would descend into Heaven or I was condemned to hell for all eternity. I honestly hated that place, and the mere thought of it. But, I was forced to embrace it because it was "The House of God" and anything that has to do with God you must love. I don't ever think I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. I accepted him as nothing more than something I should fear. And I did. I prayed not because I thought that he would answer my requests, but because if I didn't I would be branded as a bad little girl. I was scared shit less. But, then I realized the need to question things. I became doubtful of everything. My Mother has always taught me to never trust anything or anyone. Why was this Religious Icon exempt from that? Fuck that shit, nobody is immune from that. God isn't love, God is complete unbridled fear. Fear and love are two polar opposites. I look at people who are devout to their lord and I may scoff, but I am incredibly envious of them. You see, the fact is that I have absolutely no faith. I'm not sure if I ever had any. But, I wish I could find some. They have that feeling of comfort and security just by holding a fucking bible. I want that. I wish I could be as ignorant, blind, and fucking stupid to ever believe that tripe that they shove down the sore throat of America. USFDA Grade A Religious Psychotic Bullshit. Give me a lobotomy and fill my plate full of it please, can I have seconds too? But, no.. I had to become some cynical, spiteful, sarcastic, skeptic who focuses too much on intellectual babble. Why can't I be robbed of any original thought? I just want to be a fucking sheep. Alright, maybe not completely. But, look at me and look at them. I'm a neurotic depressed mess of a human being. They're dumbfounded and happy. I am a perfect example of why Intelligent Design is a crock of shit. I have intelligence but at the cost of what? My tranquility? My satisfaction? My own happiness? My only faithful, and loyal company are my thoughts dripping with paranoia and negativity. I'm going to be tied to consistent loneliness. Woo-fucking-hoo. Give me a fucking lobotomy please.
Ugh, I just want to go to sleep. I just want to stop fucking thinking about every little fucking aspect in my life. Fuck, how many time can a person revise and analyze things? I want to learn how to live in a moment. I want to just enjoy things how they are now instead of worrying about what is going to take place in the next month or so. I am clueless as to how to do that. I have the potential of something great right now. And I'm sabotaging that. I'm killing it because it's just too beautiful to have. I'm not worthy of it. I hate it because I don't think I can ever completely and totally have it. I don't know how to nurture. I don't know how to love. I don't know how to allow myself to be loved. The mention of love always confused me. That concept makes me uneasy. I don't like talking about it. And I don't like thinking about it every waking moment. I want to believe that it could happen. I think it might be real. But, how real? Is it real enough to be destroyed? To be taken away from you like it was nothing and it was never yours? (Fuck, it's 6:38) I look at him, and I feel something. But, then I feel constricted. I feel like my feelings have limits. And I put that caution tape around them. I can't feel to much or else I'll be taken advantage of and made a fool. If it's true love then the rules need not apply, right? Then is it love? I don't know. I want to be in love with him, but I can't rush it. I want to fall in love with him, but I can't force it. I want him to be the one that I spend the rest of my life with, but I'm not all that clear on that. I may be influenced by other things. I hate that things and people influence me. If you strip all the baggage from me, I might actually be a semi-healthy human being. You might just find me. That is if you're willing to dig through piles and piles of old afflictions. But, please find me.
(I'll revise, edit, and correct this later)
|
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| "The only people for me are the mad ones..." |
[18 Nov 2005|01:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Insane |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bob Dylan |
] |
This year is going insanely fast. It feels like yesterday when we were bringing in the new year. I think I looked forward to this current year because I was in a different place. I was eager to see how things took hold, good and bad. I didn't care because I didn't feel like I was in a vulnerable position. And, now... well, I am. So, I'm scared to see what unfolds. I'm ready for this year to be over with, but I don't know what's going to happen. I hate the future. I can't stand the speculation and apprehension. I wish I could just get a clue or a feel of what will happen. I mean, I do have a precursor to it... but hopefully things won't go in that direction.
I need to leave. I honestly think that is the only key to my survival.
AHHHH, I need experience. I want to struggle with things. I want to meet people that are so insane, they leave a distinct mark on me. I need to feel emotions that I thought were long dead or were extinct. I need madness. I live for madness.
|
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| Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place |
[14 Nov 2005|11:51pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 nostalgic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Oh, I love Bright Eyes so much. |
] |
Tonight was a... weird night. It wasn't necessarily bad, just weird. There was a odd vibe going through.
I wish I could make things better. I also wish I could just make up my mind on things.
Right now, as of fucking right now... I do really want to be with you and make things work somehow. That could change as fast as lightening though, that is if I think about things TOO much. Okay, fuck this.., I will NOT allow myself to ruin this. I am going to talk to him about exactly how I feel. I will leave nothing out, I owe this to him and to myself. It's just that other people seem to get in the way of things. And I usually put them there. I hate that. And he doesn't deserve that. I just need to clarify a multitude of things. We need communication fast. If I don't make him understand or at least attempt to understand I will fucking explode.
I just need to remember why I'm with him.
And then everything will be alright.
|
|
| So, I guess this really is the beginning of the end... |
[13 Nov 2005|10:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Like your world is caving in |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Johnny Thunders-You can't put your arm around a memory |
] |
Well, this weekend was complete shit. I can't begin to explain how horrible and uncomfortable it was. But, I can say this... I now know what it feels like to be married. Because that's exactly how I felt. Things imploded between us and to end the stupid fighting between us I kept my mouth shut and pretended that everything was okay. I've never, I repeat never had to do that with anyone. We "made up" and that was that. But, I was left with this intensely uncomfortable feeling and Kristen trying to comfort me as I cried in the bathroom because things were simply NOT okay. I don't know what to do. The thought of losing him frightens me. But, things are just not the same. I think we're just bullshitting ourselves. Or at least I'm bullshitting myself. I just wish we could go back to the beginning. I mean we can't even get along. How long are we going to last? It just makes me sick because I'll be losing all my close friends. The fear of having to get over him paralyzes me. I'll end it with him as long as I know for goddamn sure that there is no point to continuing with this. And as long as I never have to see him or hear about him again. Out of sight, out of mind, right? It just hurts because... I thought this was actually something, you know? But, I guess fucking not.
I know I'm a really shitty person, I know I've made him cry too many times, I know I've probably fucked him up somehow and even then he still wants to be with me and make it work... but this just isn't the way it was suppose to be. I'm not going to be in this with you if the only thing between us is some dead nostalgic feeling. Let it die and let this die. Don't try to revive something that just isn't there. It's just painful, intensely painful.
I guess I'll just see what happens when I see him. I'm going to be very observant about what kind of vibe is going on between us. I just don't want to regret anything. And I don't want to miss him. God, this is going to be hard.
FUCK MEMORIES AND FUCK YOU.
|
|
| Enlightenment here I come! My God, I really need this. |
[05 Nov 2005|02:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 rejuvenated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Against Me!- Pints of Guinness make you stong |
] |
I never really realized how writing can bring such a rush to my life. The exhilaration of seeing my words in such harmonious form is more than I can even describe. I've really missed the feeling. This is the only thing I aspire to be good at. The only thing I think I want to do for the rest of my life.
This is my air.
This is my light.
This is it for me.
This is all I'm ever going to need.
I'm so overjoyed I'm near tears.
Just please don't take this from me.
This is all I have now.
|
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| Forced motivation, or kickstart inspiration. |
[03 Nov 2005|10:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Talking Heads |
] |
So, here's the thing. I'm losing my light. I'm going to get my writing going again. That's one of the things that I enjoyed most in this pitiful life. I can't turn my back on it just because things aren't coming to me as easy. I am, from now on, dedicating my every hour to searching for thoughts, ideas, and enlightenment. I'm going to hit the libraries like no fucking tomorrow. I'm thinking of leaning towards something along the lines of Jack Kerouac, or Thoreau. I'll try Transcendentalism. Not that I'd be anything near as incredible as those writers, just that I'll squeeze the juice out of those transcripts.
I'm just needing to find comfort in something other than a person. I'll find security and safety in words.
So, yeah. Fuck everything else right now. I should take advantage of my time. This is my drive again.
|
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| The consistent imploding going on inside of my head. |
[03 Nov 2005|09:47pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The stones, baby |
] |
Hahaha, I love it when people talk in their sleep and you try to have a conversation with them.
Yeah, so... nothing is really new. Everything is pretty much the same, give or take. I'm tired of it. This routine is really making me sick. This is pretty much what my day(s) consist of.
Wake up.
Clean the house.
Watch TV.
Wait around for someone to call.
Go out.
Come back and sleep.
Yeah, I'm not pathetic, riight. Oh, but the weekends are far more exciting.
Friday- Go out, usually to Elijah's, and drink or possibly stay the night.
Saturday- Go out, usually to Elijah's, get drunk, get laid, usually stay the night.
Sunday- Come home, lay around, eat and go to sleep.
HOLY SHIT, I know I know... My life is so eventful and fun. I should probably calm down with all that, I'm living life in the fast lane. I don't know... I just need something fucking new, or maybe someone fucking new. I'm 18 and this is my life. Where the fuck did I go wrong? Man, I need to find something. I need out. I seriously really do need to get my shit together. I'm really not happy with where I am at. If I keep going at this rate, I'll be gone soon.
I like how I've lost all desire to write. Nothing inspires me. Fuck me. I'm a worthless piece of shit. I can't do anything right. I can't go through plans. I can't depend on myself. I manipulate everyone around me for my own personal gain. I'll use you and then toss you away. Blah blah blah.
I just need to find something that I'm good at. Other than self-loathing and being a mean bitch. I just need something rewarding.
Yeah, I don't know.
I'm going to stop typing now.
I don't feel like it anymore.
I'll probably update later.
|
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| Can someone please tell me the goddamn truth for fucking once? |
[01 Nov 2005|08:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Thrice-Atlantic |
] |
I can't trust you. Little fibs like this make me not believe anything you say. I'm sorry if you don't like that but, be fucking honest with me... about anything and everything.
I hate people.
This might be edited later on... I just don't know what to say or think right now. Give me time to collect and organize my thoughts.
Just give me time.
|
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| Eat a bag of royal fuck, bitch. |
[24 Oct 2005|11:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pleased |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Handsome Boy Modeling School - How's your girl? |
] |
Well, the day is pretty much over. And since I can't sleep, I figured I would update my Livejournal.
My day, was rather unpleasant. I hated it. I had acouple of panic attacks. I couldn't breath, and had to remind myself to breath several times. I couldn't stay in this house for longer than a second. I literally thought and felt like I was dying.
So, Elijah came and picked me and Jeanette up. We hung out a short time. Went to Fredrick's house. Came home. And the fucking end.
That wasn't actually ALL of my day. But, I decided to leave out certain details... for the simple fact that writing it in here is fucking retarded.
I am happy that my day ended well. I think I owe that to one person.
Fuck, I think I'm really falling for him.
I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. More than likely it will be bad. Very bad. Looks like I'm already fucked, huh?
Eh.
|
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| To Yellow Bird. |
[16 Oct 2005|01:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 indescribable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Bright Eyes-Difference In The Shades/Contrast And Compare |
] |
You are the person that I am closest to. You are the only person that I want to be close to. I don't know why I treat you the way I do. I know that you don't deserve it. And I know that I don't deserve you. The fact that you are still with me stuns me.
I can't explain my feelings for you. I can't tell you exactly why I like you so much. But, I know that I do. That is clear to me. More clear than anything else. I'm scared to death that you're going to come to your senses and realize that I'm all wrong for you and that you don't really like me at all. I'm scared to death that you're going to find someone else better than me for you. Someone who won't push you away and ridicule your affection. Someone who won't put you through as much pointless shit as I do. For some asinine reason you think the world of me. You honestly are one of the few people that I have come across that deserve the best in life. The very best. The best not meaning me. I feel so guilty that you're with me. You could be someone else who could give you all the things that I can't. I just want you to be happy. I know you may not believe me, but I would do anything to make you happy.
I don't know. I think that I'm actually falling for you, or I have already.
I don't know what I would do without you. I just know that if I could go anywhere with you I'd probably be happy. I appreciate you. I appreciate everything that you do for me.
I just wish I could be able to tell you these things, instead of writing them in a fucking Livejournal.
I don't know, maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I'll find some kind of courage and tell you. Or maybe I'll get drunk enough one day and tell you.
|
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| FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCKS. SUPPORT GENOCIDE! |
[11 Oct 2005|11:03pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 enraged |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Just the ongoing anger inside of my head. |
] |
Fuck you, you mentally inept fuck. I hope you know and get used to the fact that everything I said I meant. Infact, that wasn't half of what I think of you. Face it, you are the idiot son of the family. You are the perpetual fuck up that makes everything worse. You are the reason that abortions should be mandatory. You're pathetic. And yet, nobody seems to punish you for your stupidity. Nobody, yells at you for anything. But, I on the other hand. I get punished for everything. You are a 22 year old, umemployed, pot smoking, alcoholic, ex con. You live at home with Mommy and Daddy because you couldn't even hack it for a couple of months on your own. You can't even clean after yourself. You're disgusting. You don't have any friends, all you do is drink beer or smoke pot in the garage with your girlfriend. I know I'm not the empitome of perfection, but when you were my age, you were in prison. I graduated from high school. I actually plan on going to college. I clean up around here more than you have in your entire worthless life. I am better than you in almost everyway possible. I know that for a fucking fact. I think that actually most people I know are better than you. I don't like you. I don't accept you as anything other than a piece of shit that leeches on to your mother's bosom. I will be perfectly content and fine with never seeing you again. I mean, honestly, I hope you fuck up and land your ass in prison. I want you out. It's either you or me. And I honestly would be fine with leaving. I won't ever have to deal with these people again. Actually, to be honest, if they ever did have to choose, I think that they would without a fucking doubt in my mind pick him. I would be the one leaving. They're that oblivious.
I hope you die.
Fuck you very much and goodnight.
|
|
| Sleep is the enemy. |
[11 Oct 2005|11:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Powerful and Highly Superior |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Music that makes me powerful and highly superior |
] |
Numero Dos.
I have decided that I will conduct a little experiment on myself. I will deprive myself of sleep. I want to see how long my small frame will sustain normalcy under the circumstances. Chances are I will probably collapse under the weight of being dead. But, hey... I have absolutely no life now, so fuck it. Expect these little experiments to come. It's either this or watching Jerry Springer. And or porn, and I know that this may shock and you offend you, but it gets boring after a while.
THE COUNTDOWN HAS BEGUN!!!
(Cue the "Final Countdown" song)
I have my coffee, I have my books, I have my communication source via la internet. I am ready. Fuck sleep. Who needs it? Psht, not me. I will prove to the world that I, Jessica, do not need sleep to survive and thrive in this society. You know why? Because I am more than human. I am the Uber-menschen. AHAHAHAHA. Bow down to me you insipid Neanderthals. I am more than you will ever become. Yes, yes I can taste it now. Complete world domination. All of you will be my play things. I shall kill you if I please, and chances are I will. I will spare the animals and my friends, that is if they become my minions and mend to me. AHAHAHAHAAHA Oh the life of a God.
Yeah, I know I need sleep. Fuck you. I do what I want.
Sometimes I wonder if the things I feel for him are authentic and pure or are they just the result of me thinking of him as a comfort zone. And visa versa. I just wish I knew what went on inside of his head. I don't know. That's just a skill I'll learn how to acquire. I'll start that one after my sleep deprivation test. I've pretty much almost broke it off with him like 23423474953975 times now. I'm sorry that he has to put up with such a sarcastic, condescending , manipulative, vague, confusing, hypocritical, insecure, cruel bitch. And after like what? 6 months? He's still here, and seems even more devoted than ever. Maybe I'm not the one who needs therapy. I mean I may be sadistic, but he's the one that still puts up with it. And refuses to let me go. Ugh, how did I end up with such a sado-machinist nutcase. Hmmm, I hope I see him or talk to him today.
Hey, guess what? Yessica needs a job. But, I don't want one of those typical lame jobs at grocery stores. No, I want like either a kick ass wicked awesome job that lets me do whatever I want, wear whatever I want, get the weekends free, work barely any hours, and get paid an insanely immense amount of money. Or, I want a lonely office job. Either is fine with me, really. I mean the other one would be great for the obvious reasons, but the office job would be fine too. I mean, I just really don't want to deal with people. Eh. Chances are I will never advance in life. And I will still be stuck here conducting these experiments and testing my hypothesis on myself, the human guinea pig. Man, don't you wish you were me?
I don't know. I think I'll go make myself some hot choco. It feels good outside and it looks like it's going to storm. Yesh, I reckon' a twista is acomin'. Billy get yo sista and tie her down with da rope. But, pops I'm still givin' her de ol' in an'out!
Dammit, I think they're taking Lola to the Human Society today. I wish I could have found her a steady home. Chances are they're going to put her down. This saddens me to the point of killing my parents so I can keep her and any other stray animal that I find. Ugh.
Montel's on, maybe his MS black chocolateyness will sooth me.
I'll probably be back.
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